By Gary Sills, NYC newswriter

NYC, NY, (NYCN) - In a letter sent to President Bush signed by 80 Nobel laureates, it was stated that any letter signed by more than 70 Nobel laureates means a whole lot. There were several points to the letter including making it retroactive to former letters signed by the minimum 70 laureates. This could lay the foundation to solve many problems faced by the nation. Some high level court cases could potentially be solved with a laureate letter eliminating months of court deliberations and reducing costs involved. Even the controversy of drilling for oil in the Alaskan preserves could be settled with the stroke of 70 pens. As usual, there was a letter signed by six Nobel laureates stating that letters signed by a big bunch of Nobel prize laureates don't really mean a whole lot. Since that letter was signed by less than 70 laureates it was discounted as insignificant. It was suspected those six laureates had Republican leanings anyway--that is, if Nobel laureates were to stoop so low as to align themselves with a political party. When asked what the opinion of President Bush was on this matter, Laura said that they disagree on most every issue, but not to assume anything. "You'd better ask him directly," she told the press. When the poet laureate of England was asked to comment on this issue his initial response was "no comment, no content." He later issued a written response, "Those guys, must be wise."

NEW RESTAURANT OPENED

By Mary Berrem, Western Kansas Press newswriter

LIBERAL, Kans., (WKP) - A new French restaurant was opened in town on the east side of the square last Wednesday. The restaurant owner and chef is Pierre LeClair who recently arrived as an immigrant from France on a 13(a)(d)4 visa. We talked with Pierre on Tuesday while he was frantically putting the finishing touches inside his new enterprise, the old Crafton Realty office. For the menu, Pierre said, "We will serve French bread, French fries, and French toast, simply known in France, of course, as bread, fries, and toast." He expects the menu will expand as he searches the Internet for other French-American foods. As for his new home Pierre declared, "We like it here in Liberal, Kansas, simply known in France as Kansas. We like our new chalet out on the edge of town." I followed Pierre as he hung copies of French impressionist paintings on two of the cedar-paneled walls. You guessed it, "...simply known as impressionist paintings in our country." Pierre hopes to add something new to his restaurant and new to our town, musical entertainment on Saturday nights. Once again the bad accordian music was clarified, "...simply known as music..." We hope the best for the well-mannered, mustached Pierre in his new endeavor in his new country of America, in France known as "that foreign, barbaric, backward America." The fries-sandwich that he let me sample was exquisite, and I recommend a visit.

CONGRESSIONAL REDISTRICTING

By Michael Traakel, Wash. D.C. newswriter

Washington, DC, (WDC) - It was discovered after the recent U.S. congressional redistricting that there are more members of the House of Representatives and Senate than there are people that vote. All further national congressional elections were cancelled as candidates will henceforth simply send their names in to the elections officials and show up at their desks in Washington D.C.

FLOWER BED IN CAR WINDOW

By Zelda Wieter, Auto and Car newswriter

Detroit, Mich., (AaC) - Greg Percy of Duluth, Minnesota grows irises in the back window of his car. In a space typically unused, except occasionally for audio speakers and pretend-boyfriends' baseball caps, Greg has constructed a container with a covering screen to keep dirt from shifting forward when decelerating. "The iris plant is in a shape to not block the view of cars behind me, and they afford a pleasant scene to the following motorist." The greenhouse effect along with frequent nitrogen fertilizer supplements have made for quite a lush stand of irises in the back of his off-white, four-door sedan. "I am investigating the use of edibles, possibly tomatoes or celery, for the future."

PATENT OFFICE REPORT

By Rocky Ferroni, XYZ newswriter

Washington, DC, (XYZ) - The U.S. patent office has put all further patents on hold during a moratorium after it was discovered that Timothy Green of Boston, Massachussetts received a patent for the human finger knuckle. The director of the office wrote a briefing which included, "This whole thing has gotten out of control. I should have been suspicious and stopped this sooner when the patent for soaking Pinto beans in water was granted." This moratorium does not cover all patents pending. The process for those patents will continue, including the eye-winking technique and the patent for Earth's gravity. Those two patents may cause double royalties paid by the guy who winks at a strange woman and gets knocked to the ground. The office director sent a $150 royalty check to Mr. Green of Boston after having used his knuckles to type his briefing.

ONE-FAMILY DECLARATION

By Andre Cicero, Tennessee Times newswriter

Nashville, Tenn, (TTT) - Getting in tune with the present trends of calling for a one-world philosophy, the William Grant family of Beaumont, Tennessee has declared his household a one-family house. Bill says that if all those countries of the world with their different histories, cultures, heritages, outlooks, and needs can get along as if there are no barriers, than surely he, his wife, and two kids can get along better. His daughter can no longer call the room where she sleeps, Sally's room. It now falls under the domain of "house." Bill's garage and glasses are now respectively the family garage and the family glasses. Arguments will be settled following the one-world approach, that is a family court will be established in what used to be Bill Jr's room. The family, once riddled by tensions and disagreements, now lives in total harmony in their utopian household. "Wish we'd have done this sooner," stated Mrs. Grant. "All of our problems have been instantly solved." Bill Jr., wearing the family glasses, expressed some doubts, "I see the world differently now, but I'm not sure anything's really changed." Family court will be held next Friday to punish his cynical remarks.