By Fred Miles, Wichita Plains newswriter

WICHITA, Kan., (WP) - Richard Okkerman of Wichita, Kansas went shopping for pet food last Thursday. After entering what he thought was Petsmart he obtained a grocery cart and began putting in food for his pet Schnauzer, Nozey. After having loaded up on tuna, Vienna sausages, and beef jerky, in the first two aisles, he turned into an aisle that had a large selection of cookies. He thought it was very strange that the store had started stocking cookies for pets. He assumed it must be some new fad he had not yet heard of. Another shopper had just put two bags of cookies into her cart. Richard, not wanting to let that woman think he didn't love his pet, selected one bag of Archway oatmeal raisin cookies and a bag of Keebler chocolate chips. Then Richard turned the corner to another aisle that looked just like a produce aisle in a grocery store, with various vegetables. For a few short seconds he just stood and looked around trying to figure out what was going on. There was a lady nearby with a store uniform sorting the Idaho potatoes. He slowly pushed his cart her direction. He was starting to wonder if perhaps the Petsmart had moved out and a regular grocery store had taken over. After asking the lady for directions to the lice shampoo (to cover both bases, animal and human), she turned to point, and he indiscreetly glanced at her name badge to see the store name. "Safeway," he said silently to himself. "Safeway!" Richard had in his haste rushed into the Safeway store that sits adjacent to his favorite Petsmart. He was quite embarrased. Then, to add to his embarassment, the store clerk buttoned the top button of her uniform.

KEY TO BILLINGS

By Cecil Brocker, Montana Range newswriter

BILLINGS, Mon., (MR) - The mayor of Billings has issued a press release regarding the loss of the key to the city. It is lost, nowhere to be found, and it appears that it may have been lost for several months. The nail on the wall behind the furnace in back of the clerk's office is still there, but no key. Since the key was often given to visiting dignitaries and celebrities without keeping a record, no one remembers the last person to whom it was given. Mayor Geason's wife thinks it was possibly to the Toledo Tumbling Club, but she isn't sure. Mayor Geason followed up her remarks, "We don't want to imply any wrongdoing on their part. Had it been Sean Penn or Morton Downey Jr., then perhaps we would suspect foul play, but not with the Tumbling team." The mayor has presented a plan to the city council to contract Jim's Lockshop to make a new key and to have the clerk keep a log of the key's activities.

TALK SHOW HOST GETS REAL JOB

By Gretchen O'dell, SF Coast newswriter

San Francisco, Cal., (SFC) - The reduction of advertisement revenues due to the current economic situation has resulted in at least one talk show host leaving the business to enter the normal American work force. Mr. Frank "Frankly Speaking" Tomer of WBBL in San Francisco has stepped down from his daily radio program especially popular with the drive home public. Frank told his listeners on his last day, "I'll now be leaving and will regret it deeply, the daily discussions about the current events, the riveting dialogs with the callers, clarifying the cloudy issues--I loved it all. But now I will find a job where I will be giving to society in a different way, contributing to American production, enhancing the quality of life creating tangible consumer goods." For two weeks Frank worked in the machine shop of the Rayborn Works Factory. He was quite popular with the other workers. When stepping out for a brief break, he would bring chuckles by saying, "We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor." There were other running jokes using the phrases "rush job" and "torque show." One day during his second week he wore a shiny three piece suit under his coveralls. The suspicions of his coworkers were soon confirmed--that he had had an interview and would leave for another job. He became a TV evangelist the next week. Now he can be seen by the many fans who had only heard his voice on radio. We asked Bishop Tomer about his new real job. He said one of the most difficult aspects of the transition from the talk show circuit to television was the lack of commercials during the presentation. Reflectively speaking, he told us, "On the radio I was inspiring the public, questioning the basis of their beliefs, parsing the issues for morality. Now on TV I entertain them, appeal to their feelings, and justify their material needs." When asked about the irony in this, he told me "I wasn't a very good machinist, and the hours were terrible, forty hours a week. Now that's irony."

BALUSHTAN TURNS TO DEMOCRACY, OR DOES IT?

By Rocky Ferroni, XYZ newswriter

Washington, DC, (XYZ) - The Asian country of Balushtan has been a monarchy for centuries. The current ruler, King Salludenzihnenich, under pressure from the nations armed forces generals and regional governing administrators, had no choice but to allow elections to determine the future of the nation. The generals had learned about democracy while surfing the Web on new computer system at the military headquarters. The kingdom's subject went to the polls to choose between democracy or the traditional monarchy. The results were 55% to 45% in favor of continuing the monarchy. The king promised some economic reforms to appease the business community that has close ties to the governors and the generals. The post-election dilemma is whether to call Balushtan a monarchy or a democracy. The American ambassador to Balushtan, appointed by President Clinton, stated "Our relationship of trade cooperation with this nation will continue as before. I think it might be a democracy now even though the monarchy continues since the people voted. We need to figure it out for sure." Then he quickly blurted, "And by the way, Mr. Gore can pronounce King Salludenzihnenich's name better than President Bush can, and that's why he should be the president."