By Gerald Miller, Southern News newswriter

GALENA, Georgia, (SN) - An award ceremony was held last Tuesday at Galena High School to present the Highest Self Esteem title to its recipient, Scott Simon. Scott delivered a prepared speech on the role his family played during the preparations for the self esteem contest examination. They gave him plenty of support including allowing him time to stay at home and study for the test during the normal Sunday morning trip to Starbucks for refreshments. He ended the speech with the contest's motto, "Don't be naughty, be haughty." The students applauded his speech. The school board president, William Snow, who presented the award commented on how Scott now leaves the ranks of the persons who struggled with themselves, such as Abraham Lincoln, and enters into the company of several well-known historical persons of high self esteem such as Stalin and contemporaries such as Turner and Heffner. The principal discussed the contest and the award after the ceremony with some parents. He expressed concern about the damaged self esteem of the participants who did not earn the title. He is still undecided on the remedy to this dilemma. "To end the grading of the self esteem training would not allow monitoring its success, yet the alternatives, such as teaching facts and figures, would also risk damaging the self esteem of the students." A few parents gasped in astonishment at the phrase, "fact and figures." He went on to add, "Perhaps a cirriculum shift to free-form artistic expression allowing each student to judge his or her own level of self esteem by contemplating and interpreting their artistic productions is a possibility. But for now, this title has been given, and Scott can surely use it on his resume in the future."

FILM FESTIVAL RUCKUS

By Kelly Green, Movie Times Review newswriter

NEWARK, N.J., (MTR) - Randy Bladford, the young, promising filmmaker has found a solution to the recent denial of his film's entry into the Jersey Film Festival. Although a shoe-in for an award, the film about the journey of a newly married uneducated couple through the soft recession of the 80s didn't fit into any of the festival's categories. Randy carried the film reels back home and reshot the entire film on the grounds of the French embassy in Washington D.C. to qualify it as a foreign film. In order to ensure the film's entry into the foreign category, the couple's husband's father was replaced by a philosophy professor, who with a different girlfriend in every scene, constantly asks the questions about life that everyone asks, but in an unidentifiable accent to make him sound very inquisitive. The plot's climax was also removed, along with most of the plot. The recession became something like a symbol. The Jersey Film Festival Panel was astonished at how quickly the film was remade and are determined to verify that no previous scenes filmed in the U.S. remain in the picture.

TRIAL LAWYERS GO INTERNATIONAL

By Steven Breyer, NY Gazette newswriter

NEW YORK, N.Y., (NYZ) - The recent news of the elderly lady whose life was revived at the funeral home has resulted in a flood of calls from American trial lawyers wanting to sue the embalmer for negligence of duty. The Israeli family has so far turned down all requests. The niece said, "We're just happy to have her with us. Maybe the embalmer didn't do his job, but nobody's perfect."

YANKEE INGENUITY STILL ALIVE

By Fred Stokes, LA Ledger newswriter

LOS ANGELES, Cal, (LAL) - American ingenuity was discovered to still be in existence at Magic Mountain in California. While waiting in line for the popular loop-du-loop ride, the native public became disturbed at the cutting in line by some of the European tourists. After spreading the word down the line, the Americans all stood facing the other direction. The Europeans then continued cutting into the back of the line, some more than once. When this was discovered they became quite irate. Most of them left the line waving their hands in the air and making indiscernable comments. One USC student who studies the Dutch language translated one comment as, "This isn't fair. It's unfair. These tricky Californians."

TV QUALITY DECLINE STUDY RESULTS

By Carol Borcak, Hollywood Notch newswriter

SENATOR MCCAIN CAMPAIGN CONSIDERATIONS

By Michael Traakel, Wash. D.C. newswriter